TV
“I hope you find someone who knows how rare it is to find someone like you.”
- RH Sin
Although Brooklyn generally isn’t a place I really feel like I belong, I’ve always had a dream of a winter romance in DUMBO, an area of Brooklyn literally called Down Under Manhattan Bridge Overpass. It’s an area that used to be an industrial area, with large converted warehouses interspersed with new high rises, all peppered with cobblestone streets and stunning views of Manhattan.
It would seem to me then that this dream was about to come true when I met TV. TV is called this because I met him after attending a live filming of the show he worked on. I looked up from the audience to see him looking at me and then awkwardly smiling and looking away. Odd, I remember thinking - had that just been a moment? That said, if it had been a moment, it was lost on me shortly thereafter until a few weeks later when someone had asked me about how the taping went. Feeling rather bold (how uncharacteristic of me....ha), I googled his show and his position title and found him, rather easily, on Instagram. I requested to follow him and he accepted, immediately following me back. Perhaps it had been a moment after all, I thought to myself.
Out of curiosity and feeling bolder than before thanks to a bottle of wine I was drinking at a friend’s party, I decided to do something many random men had done to get my attention on social media: I went through and liked around ten of his posted photos. What did I have to lose, right? Sure enough, he messaged the next night to wish me a happy Canadian Thanksgiving. It was, as far as I saw it, on.
We met up for a date the week after at a bar in DUMBO. He showed up and although he didn’t look quite as I remembered him, I found him handsome and nicely put together. Ten minutes into our conversation, he reached across the table and held my wrist, interrupting me.
“I’m sorry to interrupt you,” he said, “but I think you’re absolutely gorgeous.”
I blinked, made momentarily silent by his openness. It felt rare and refreshing that someone could be so unabashedly upfront.
The date continued with a walk along the water, and we shared various bits of information about our lives. We had a lot more in common than I’d expected: like me, had a touch of OCD-like behaviour where he liked things parallel and in the right order; we both liked nerdy things like Star Wars and Star Trek; we both lost our fathers unexpectedly ten years ago; and we both had similar thoughts about marriage and kids. To top it all off, he gave every indication that he was looking for something more than just a physical relationship: over the night he mentioned how he was looking forward to meeting someone to share experiences, food and rent with.
Our walk ended with another wine at a bar at the waterside, and it was there that he leaned over and kissed me. He was checking off all the other boxes in terms of someone I wanted to give some time getting to know. Maybe my dream of a romance in DUMBO wasn’t too far away from coming true.
Over the following weeks we chatted here and there, making plans to meet up again when he got back from a trip. Upon his return, I was frustrated to discover he began to shift the time of day he made plans with me - what had begun in the evening had slowly began to shift to later and later at night. Confused after a great first date and not willing to go down the road of no strings attached with someone I genuinely liked, I pushed back and asked him to see me during the day or not at all. Finally, I had to ask him what was going on: if he wasn’t willing to be upfront with me, I had to ask him to do it. With work and school, it was already so hard to fit someone into the limited time I had - if he wasn’t interested in a relationship, I couldn’t promise to give him much time.
He let me know that he wasn’t looking for a relationship right now, despite all of that sharing his life with someone talk on our first date, and he liked things as they were between us for right now. Bummed out and disappointed, I tried to figure out where I should go from there. The mixed signals were baffling to me - I knew he liked me and we got along really well, and he talked often about finding a significant other
For whatever reason, I held on to his “right now” portion of the comment and tried to talk to him in person about where he was - after all, a good friend of mine met her serious boyfriend in a very similar setting and she gave him space and time until he was ready. Maybe TV was going to be the same and I saw someone who was possibly worth waiting to see if that was the case.
“I’ve been in relationships my whole adult life,” he explained as we sat on his couch. “The last nine months, I’ve finally been single and I love it. I don’t want to give it up and sometimes I’m afraid that there won’t be anyone who will break me out of this stage. Maybe I just haven’t met the right woman yet.”
Ouch. I tried to hide how much that comment stung and smiled, changing the subject.
This was something I wasn’t entirely used to: a man refusing to see my worth after he got to know me. However, I understood the need for a single period in one’s life and made the decision to keep him around casually in my life in case anything changed. We got along after all, and I genuinely always enjoyed the time we spent together chatting. For the next month, we met when we could, normally seeing each other at least once a week and chatting almost every day. We were not exclusive, we were not dating but we were something more than friends and that felt ok for the moment.
Feeling encouraged by this very adult situation, I invited him out one night as a friend to meet some of my other friends. I didn’t think it was important to explain to my friends who he was or how we met, since he had been very clear I was not his girlfriend. But to my horror, he showed up to the bar and acted the exact opposite, touching my lower back often, putting his arm around me, and grabbing my hips. My friends kept staring and I couldn’t do much more than shrug, promising to fill them in on things later. The night ended in a grand finale when I tried to get my card from the bartender and a well-dressed man stepped up to the bar beside me. I saw a hint of the Burberry plaid pattern on the inside of his coat and turned to look at it, causing TV to jealously storm out of the bar. My friends stared, shocked and I briefly tried to explain what was going on. So much for an adult, chill situation. I looked down to see my phone light up.
I’m outside waiting and am leaving in two minutes. He’d texted. You’re welcome to come with me if you want.
I waited a bit more and then went outside, confused to find him still standing there. My friends were heading to the next bar and walked out with me, urging me to come with them versus him. Still, I felt bad - maybe his feelings were changing and I had been careless in my definitions of how we should act in public together. Maybe I had unknowingly checked out the man in the camel coloured coat beside me. His car pulled up and I got in.
“We aren’t dating at your request,” I reminded him. “So it shouldn’t really matter who I talk to or look at, right?”
“Yeah but you don’t have to do it right in front of me,” he snapped back at me.
I forced myself to be compassionate. His actions the whole night were another case of extreme mixed messages: he didn’t want a relationship but wanted to treat me like a girlfriend.
Later on, he had fallen asleep but had left his music on and I sat there, tired but needing to go home. A band he’d seen earlier that night was shuffling all of the songs on his speaker and suddenly some of the lyrics from one of the songs struck me as remarkably meaningful.
I've been spending time, just thinking about this love we have at night
And I think I'm sorry, but it might be time for me to go
Lately I've been told the situation never will unfold
Now all I'm thinking is maybe you’re not all I need
Thinking about leaving thinking about getting some sleep
I shifted uncomfortably, the weight of the words pressing against my chest. I looked at TV and realised with complete clarity that this situation we had had reached its end.
I got up and crept out, careful not to wake him up.
Sorry, I texted. I can’t keep pretending we are something we’re not and I needed sleep. Better to let go of something to make room for something better, I reasoned.
I woke up the next day to several messages from him asking if everything was ok and if he’d done something wrong. He hadn’t, I explained, I just needed some time to think. I still felt confused - something was holding him back from wanting to be something more with me despite his obvious feelings. What’s worse is his boyfriend behaviour was making me grow feelings I was trying to avoid and that complicated things.
Unfortunately, the final straw with TV came a few weeks later, when he very obviously cancelled possible plans to meet up and chat about the complex situation we were in to reschedule something or someone else in. Furious and tired of the wishy washy and flaky behaviour, I did something old, insecure Stef never would have: I messaged him to tell him what we had was no longer working for me, that I’d miss him and that we can be on friendly terms one day soon.
I was sad but determined to enjoy my planned night out with friends, so I let it go. At around 2 am, he messaged and mentioned he was bummed out and having a crappy night. Assuming he was bummed out that we were no longer seeing each other, I agreed to meet up with him. This decision was no small part of the champagne I’d drank, but also I cared about him and thought it would be nice to see him in person, chat and say goodbye to someone who had played an important part in the last three months of my life. I threw on my pyjama pants and headed over.
To my surprise, he tried to kiss me when I walked in and I pushed back, reminding him I’d stood firm on where we were. I was determined to start the new year right and that means no more confusing, noncommittal situations. He mumbled again about having a depressing night and we fell asleep, not really resolving anything.
The next morning, I woke up, aware the time for our goodbye was upon us. He was looking at his Instagram and showed me a picture of a vacation house in a tropical place.
“I’d like to go there next year,” he explained. “But it’s one of those trips I would like to go on with someone else and I’m alone.”
I sat up, unable to control my disbelief. Fed up with his confusing comments, I spoke up. “You realise how ridiculous that sounds to someone you’ve been involved with for months. What is it about me? Am I not good enough in your eyes?”
“I’ve been completely upfront and honest with you,” he admonished with his favorite mantra. “When I met you I didn’t have that feeling that you were someone I wanted to date. There was no connection.”
I nodded, hurt but glad to hear it. I’d been the only one who felt a connection. I flicked on my phone and opened my Uber app. I’d heard everything I needed and was ready to move on, without TV
“To be completely honest, there’s been someone else this whole time who I met and instantly wanted to date - she was worth it,” he idiotically continued. “But she’s screwed me over twice now.”
I froze, my stomach dropping so hard and so fast that I was trembling. Someone else? Hadn’t he made a point of telling me multiple times how he hadn’t met someone who had made him want to be in a relationship? What happened to his mantra of always being upfront and honest with me about where he was?
“Please stop talking,” I stood up, my voice shockingly calm even to me. “I’m leaving.”
He stood to follow me into the other room. My head was spinning - while he had talked about dreams to share his life with someone what he didn’t tell me was he already had someone in mind and that someone wasn’t me. I didn’t even have a chance under a whopping shadow like that. He didn’t want a relationship because he was saving it for someone else specfically. Had he ever planned on being honest about that key fact?
I was furious at this betrayal: if I had known, I wouldn’t have allowed my heart to get invested. I had yet again met a man who shared just enough details to keep me around selfishly but not allow me to make my own educated decisions from the heart. His actions the night before were repulsive: he’d asked to see me in the hopes that I - the person who HAD always been upfront and honest about my feelings for him and where I was - could comfort him romantically after he’d been let down by the woman he yearned for. This was not the man I thought I’d met; this creature before me was a mess who was reckless with the hearts of others for his own gain.
I put on my jacket, aware of his eyes on me. “The worst part of this,” my voice shook, “is your stupid actions made me and my feelings look idiotic. I would’ve never stayed so close if I’d known there was someone else.”
“If it makes you feel any better, it was never physical,” he explained matter of factly. I suddenly found myself wishing I could make the same claim.
I swallowed hard, trying to stay calm. “Why the hell do I always manage to find men like you?”
He tried to speak again and I stopped him, picking up the remainder of my things.
“Bye Stef,” he said, standing pathetically at the door. I resisted to urge to knee him in the crotch as I walked by him.
I got into the Uber, still trembling and typed a quick message asking him to delete my number. I hit send, deleted his information and removed him from social media. I didn’t want anyone in my life - romantically or other - who was so willing to withhold important information to manipulate someone he supposedly cared a lot about.
Looking back, there was no way I could compete with someone he was pining after and his actions and lack of connection had nothing to do with me or who I was - instead it was just his inability to look at what was right in front of him because he was looking at something else much farther away.
Like Bridget Jones says, I will not be defeated by a bad man and [subsequent love interest that isn’t me]...instead, I choose Chaka Khan...and vodka. The issues our romantic partners might have shouldn’t seep into our lives and define us - in the end, TV was never really present enough to open up and get to know me and that’s ok, since people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime and his actions made me realise how much my self worth had grown and in turn how easy it was to walk away. Meeting TV showed me that it is possible for me to have feelings for someone without a million hesitations and that is something I didn’t think possible before.